A Coke Bottle
by TheOnyxDragon12
Summary: "First man take drink and then drink take drink and then drink take man." Who knew Loki knew how to be a Chinese hobo? Or that Peter became a girl because of a Coke bottle? And what does Deadpool have to do with this? Warning: Gender bending and CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. I'm not even sure if this technically even counts as yaoi...
1. Chinese Hobos

(A/N: I took up the challenge by foxchick12. It's important to challenge yourself or your writing becomes flat and boring, and well, the work says a lot about a writer. I do not want to be flat and boring at all costs. Do YOU want to be flat and boring?

On another note, will somebody please add Deadpool/Wade W. as a character in the selection bar for me? [Can we do that ourselves or is that up to the site editors?] It would make all of us Deadpool fans very appreciative. [Well, me anyways.]

Also, I might as well go ahead and say I am terrible when it comes to writing in Peters POV, probably because I have a twisted sense of humor.

-The Onyx Dragon)

* * *

Peter's POV

I sat on the roof of some restaurant in Hell's Kitchen, peering down at the city while enjoying myself a nice, steamy bowl of Asian rice with steak bits in it. It had this weird brown ginger sauce on it, but it was to die for once you got past the exterior. It was almost as good as Uncle Ben's rice. (It was white rice with barbecue sauce dumped on it, basically.)

For the fourth time tonight, a piece of steak slipped out of my wooden chopsticks and smeared sauce on the front of my suit. "Oh for the love of!"

I sighed. How does Danny do this!? Everytime we went out for sushi or something, he could wield those two things like he was born with them. Just then, I had a mental image of Yoda standing over Danny, saying, "Strong in this one the force is," inside of a starfighter while you could look out of a window and see me fall off of one of the wings.

A sesame seed got stuck painfully between my teeth and gums and I had a fun time getting it out."Ow, ow, ow, OW!" Then pigeon poop hit my shoulder. "OH COME ON!"

"SPIDERMAN SUCKS!" J. Jonah Stalin replied in the distance.

I stabbed the two useless sticks into the rice in frustration, and grabbed the ice cold glass bottle of Coke to my right, popping off the cap. "Finally, something I can actually ingest properly."

I took a sip, and wiped my mouth. Something was a bit off... Or maybe it was flat. I hate it when that happens...

My skin vibrated. Spidey-sense.

I glanced behind me. An old Chinese hermit/hobo guy stepped forward, waiting.

"Here." I slid him the bowl. The rice was annoying me anyway.

"Thank you, kind sir." He picked up the chopsticks with better luck than I had, and ate. His eyes never left my bottle of Coke though.

"Sorry, Jack, but the soda's mine," I said, picking up the bottle and taking another swig.

"Old proverb says that first man takes drink, then drink takes drink, then drink takes man," He said.

I snorted. "If you say so..."

I looked down right as a man grabbed some British lady's purse. She screamed unladylike insults at him while he took off.

"I gotta go. Have fun with those chopsticks," I told the old man before dropping off of the rooftop and making a perfect landing onto the sidewalk.

I approached the woman. She was blonde, tall, fashion-forward, and furious. "Oh look it's Spider-Man! Whoopie! Well that brutish oaf stole my purse! If I weren't in heels, I'd charge after him!" She crossed her arms and turned her cheek. "Hmph!"

She looked happy to see me, I thought as I weaved through the crowds, jumping off of walls to avoid pedestrians. I shot the thief's ankles in midair. He fell down, the purse landing inches out of his reach.

I picked up the purse, black snakeskin Prada. "Well that explains a lot," I said to myself.

The woman's heels clicked angrily behind me. The guy looked up at me.

"Dude, I kinda feel sorry for you," I told him. "You're dealing with her, not me. He'll hath no fury like a woman with a lost purse."

He groaned. I shrugged, and handed the purse to the woman.

"Thank you, Spider-Man," she said kindly.

"A pleasure, madam," I replied all gentlemanly before shooting a line and swinging away.

Right as I took off, she yelled something about "dragging the theif back to London and impaling him on the top of Big Ben." Dang, I thought. She would make a good interrogator!

I landed on my bed a few minutes later, bone-tired. Five seconds later, I was asleep.


	2. We're Up All Night To Get Loki

A/N: Thank you to Curlyshy123, Alligator [Guest], Kindness to Everyone and thing, Roxy Emeralds, &amp; TheFemaleBen10 for being awesome followers/favoriters and/or reviewers. You guys rock.

And I also thank foxchick12 for being the genius who gave me the prompt.

To Alligator: I can only make so much progress while collaborating with Deadpool and Lykos. You try writing with a schizophrenic merc one time.

Warning: Fourth wall? What wall? You mean that pile of debris? THE FOURTH WALL HAS BEEN MURDERED.

-The Onyx Dragon)

* * *

My POV (Just don't even ask...)

I sit in a comfy black office chair, gaping slack-jawed at Wade who stands over my nonexistent desk. He just handed me a piece of paper with his proposal-

"Oh my god you just said proposal!" He acknowledges in a way-too-happy kinda voice. "I'd be honored!"

"For the chapter, dude! Calm yourself! Besides, I'm taken anyway. God, Wade." I grab my favorite pen (It's black with ornate gold designs on the exterior and it writes in black) and go over the hand-written lined piece of trash.

"Why do you call me Wade? Why not 'The Amazing Deadpoolio'?"

"I'll start doing that when you hand me legitimate ideas NOT IN CRAYON!" I spit.

"I'll do that when you sing along to Anaconda." He crossed his suit-covered arms.

"Well I guess we're both not getting what we want. You're not even listening, are you?" Where'd he get the headphones? Those better not be mine!

"My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, Hun!" He sings along.

I roll my eyes. "SHOOT ME NOW!" I hate that song...

"Okay!" He pulled out a five-seven and cocked the hammer. Holy Styx! How did he even-nevermind, but why is he smiling?!

"Not literally!" I stare at the barrel, gripping my pen like I was going to use it as a knife in a few seconds. "Yet... Look, can we focus on the task at hand?"

He shrugged, and put the gun away. Thank God. Why did I choose to work with the crazy ones? Oh wait, it's fun. "Sure. Shoot it off."

I pushed the nonexistent red button on my nonexistent desk. "Chapter launching in 3, 2, 1."

"Ignition!" Wade hollered.

* * *

Peter's POV

"When the days are cold, and the cards all fold, when the saints we see are all made of gold, when your dreams all fail, and the ones we hail are the worst of all, and the blood's run still," Imagine Dragons sang from the radio/alarm clock nearby.

* * *

"CUT!" Wade snaps one of those black and white choppy thingies that film hands use.

"First of all, you ain't no director and two, where'd you even get that!?"

"Yes I am, and none of your beeswax."

"Well fine, 'Director'," I used air quotes. "What's wrong with it?"

"Use another song. That one is sooooo depressing."

"Like? You pick it, Wade."

"Wake up in the morning, feeling like D-Piddy." Great. He's singing. 10 more minutes and then I can pick up Beautiful from work, get a kiss and go out for a night on the town..."Grab my katanas out of the floor, hit-man of New York City. Before I leave, get the booze and I'll tell Bob bye. 'When the feds come to the door, stash the joint and hide!' Bangin' all these hos, hos, red spandex for clothes, clothes-"

"You can sing that when I'm six feet under," I interrupt. "But I'll use the original, how does that sound?"

"Not quite as good as mine, but it'll work." He shrugged.

I glanced at the clock. Ten minutes. "Great. Take two."

* * *

Peter's POV (Again)

"Wake up in the mornin', feeling like P-Diddy. Grab my glasses, I'm out the door. Let's hit the city-" Peter slapped the clock with a pair of soft, neat hands and Ke$ha promptly shut up.

"Mother of God," She groaned, rolling out of bed onto the floor. Peter got up and checked the time. Seven in the morning, an hour before school started. Awesomesauce.

Shaking her short, messy chestnut brown hair, she walked to the bathroom to go do usual morning bathroom stuff. Peter grabbed a red tooth brush and stared tiredly at herself. And guess what? She freaked out. Because she was usually a he. Pete was so freaked out that she could barely breathe.

Then, the eyes of her reflection turned green and began to laugh mischievously.

Suddenly the reflection was normal. But the body behind Peter was not.

"Hello Spider-Man, or should I say Spider-Girl?" Loki sneered from behind Pete. She just froze, dumbfounded. Moments passed by, and the air turned cold.

"W-what?" Peter said finally, abnormally feminine. It came out squeaker than she would have liked, but her mind was too frozen at the moment to think about it.

Loki chuckled. "This is the next part of my plan, Spider-Girl. I've hindered you useless. You can't perform your heroic duties-New York expects a man to fulfill your role. And then there's your identity under the mask. You can't act as your normal self either. As extra fun, I get to watch as you humiliate yourself like you have shamed me so many times before."

Peter had the notion to smack that grin off of Loki's face. Anger boiled up inside of her body, hot and primal. Peter didn't think-she just acted. Before he could blink, a lightning-speed hand had collided with the god of mischief's face, and Loki was on the floor, defenseless.

Peter curled her fist into a ball. It stung a little bit, but was oddly satisfying.

Then, Loki growled and Peter was pushed up against the cold wall, glaring into a pair of burning evil green eyes. Peter was held by her wrists, squirming under the larger man's weight. Enhanced biological engineering was no match for Loki's raw, rage-fueled godly power.

"I believe I'll go an extra length to embarrass you now, arrogant mortal," Loki spat. "I will damage you... Permanently."

Peter perceived what the god's next move was. But she didn't know what to think. Shock had seized her mind. She couldn't form a coherent thought, and could only feel a thousand new emotions she couldn't begin to comprehend.

Peter started to cry. She was so angry her skin was as hot as her boiling temper. But on the inside she felt cold, confused, scared and so... Alone. Helpless. Her paradox of emotions was so foreign.

Loki stared straight into Peter's teary turquoise eyes. That stupid smile shined even brighter.

"You won't get away with this Loki," Peter hissed.

"Your efforts are awfully futile, Spider-Girl-I'm already getting away with 'this'. But I like the fire in your eyes. Your persistence... It's very exciting," He purred before prying Peter's thighs apart.

Loki silently cast a spell and Peter was pinioned with a pair of glowing green cuffs. With his free hands, Loki ran his fingertips across Peter's peach flesh. Peter started to scream for Aunt May.

"Silence!" Loki commanded.

A piece of cloth was quickly tied around Peter's mouth, and she writhed hard. "Mfph!" ("Hey!")

Loki pressed his body up against Peter. Her skin was crawling as Loki ran his fingers over her flesh.

"MAN OF SPIDERS! NO!" A deep, regal voice rang out before Loki's face collided with Mjolnir and they both went soaring out of the glass window adjacent from the shower. The hammer was the only one to come back.

Peter followed the hand that grasped the weapon. "Mfph!" ("You mind helping me outta this!?")

Thor gripped the chains and they shattered into pieces. Peter ripped the cloth off, and threw it to the side.

"Man of spiders?" Thor asked, confused. He stared at Peter for a moment quizzically.

"Yeah, it's me," Peter breathed. "Blame-"

"My brother Loki," Thor finished. "Come, Lady of Spiders. Maybe the Strange doctor can help us."

"But I've got a few things on my agenda to do!" Peter blurted, remembering the fact that school started in thirty minutes.

"Then to the Son of Cole, Lady of Spiders," Thor answered.

Peter nodded, still shocked from her encounter with Loki. Peter grabbed the web-shooters off of his desk and was about to grab his mask.

Wait! I can't wear that in public! She thought nervously. There was an old, beat-up paper lunch bag on the floor.

Well, it's not the worst, Peter reasoned before slipping it on.

"I am an apathetic figure when it comes to beauty," Thor began. "But what are you doing, Lady of Spiders?"

"It's my disguise," Peter explained. "I can't go out there-"

"Peter!" Aunt May sang from downstairs. "You've got fifteen minutes to catch the bus!"

"Okay!" Peter answered back, deepening her voice to where it sounded semi-normal.

"Lady of Spiders," Thor whispered. "We must move quickly. Loki is gone! Come!"

Peter was hoisted onto the god's back before she could protest. They were gone in a flash of light.

* * *

And Back To Me. ("AND ME!" Wade chimes in.)

"Sooooo? What do you think?" I could see him grinning under the mask.

"It's not bad," I answer. "But I'm not publishing it."

He gasped like a fish out of water. "How dare you!?"

I chuckled. "Well there are a few issues with it but you'll have to check back tomorrow morning to see the true results."

"You're such a tease!" He shouts as I walk out of the office.

"AND THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT!" I holler back before picking up my phone. "Hey Beautiful."


End file.
